This first week I was able
to have four consultations! I am thankful to have gotten these because I
definitely sense that each consultation helps ease anxiety and increase
comfortability.
I was, however, surprised
by how I handled the consultations… A majority of the literature we have been
reading speaks to the nondirective approach. I felt as though I aligned well
enough with this approach because I believe asking questions is oftentimes a
more effective way of exploration and discovery for writing (as opposed to me
spewing information at students). Each of the consultations I had were for
final drafts and asked exclusively for polishing and grammar-type things. I
also found that in each of these consultations I found myself slipping
accidentally into a more directive teacher-esque role. During these
interactions I was aware of how directive I was being, but didn’t know any
other way to function within the final draft giving students what they asked
for constraints. My hope is that with these restraints removed I find a better
balance in between directive and nondirective, as well as lose the “teacher.”
Whether or not I shift
without the constraints is something I do not yet know. I will likely agonize a
little about all of this until I get a chance to try working drafts, but my
concern is actually in what has already happened: how do I consult grammar
without falling into the “tutor” or “teacher” role/power dynamic? I understand
that when students ask for grammar help they expect those roles to develop, but
I want students to question and learn and actually understand what we talk
about. As you saw in my confused “what do I want and need” crisis with Skyler
on Thursday, I panicked when consulting because my brain was all of a sudden
caught up in the dynamics and factors:
1.
Not wanting to be too directive.
2.
Not wanting to be excessively nondirective.
3.
Wanting to help the student understand.
4.
Realizing I didn’t know how to identify the words or articulate the errors.
5.
Panic all over again and feeling imposter syndrome towards the ability to
consult with students because I can’t explain the things I innately know.
6.
Not wanting to fail the student.
7.
Thinking throughout all of this “how do I explain this?”
8.
On and on in cyclical ways…
So I am interested in
figuring out two things: how to consult with students about grammar in
meaningful ways and specifically what
else I need to know to help me help students with grammar-type things. I know
from the outside that it seems like fixation on grammar but it comes from good
places. I want to know for me and for students now and in the future. I want to
improve my own grammar skills and writing. I am so insanely excited for you to look at our writing for that first
formal writing (even though I am a little nervous because I know there is so
much to improve on). There is so much I want to do in and with writing and rhetoric.
The want to learn as much about grammar as possible is me wanting to take
advantage of the wonderful people and great resources while I can so that
instead of continuing to improve slowly and/or struggling on my own I learn a
lot and take it with me to grow in better, more productive ways.
It all just feels so
connected and I have gone so long not knowing so much. And I thought this week’s
journal might be a little less about feels than the others but I was wrong—so many
feels. I’ve been insecure for so long and now that I unveiled my hidden secrets
I want to explore them…
In other non-school (but
still reading-related, because what else do I do with my life?) activities I
have a weekend long pass to the Harry Potter re-screenings at Edwards this
upcoming weekend and I am so excited
and have already begun planning outfits! Huzzah!
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