The Beginning in the End

Before continuing through the rest of the journal I am struck by the way I am beginning and ending the semester in a similar way but very different place--with my cohort, and now as a member of the writing center with them. My very first journal begins with centering (feeling the pre-conference vibe) myself within a cohort of writing center people. Similarly, I situated myself in my WLN article still as that person within a cohort of members and veterans… and the ways that informed, complemented, or even sometimes complicated my entry into the field of writing center studies. There is so much still to learn, but I can say that my journey into the field thus far was absolutely colored by the tidbits of information, stories, or scholarship I obtained through them. I did, however, appreciate that I was able to form my own ideas and find a comfortable place in the 303 cohort group as an individual.

I am thankful that the first thing you suggest in this reflective final blog entry is to go back and look at old blog posts. I know I haven’t read my original post since writing it, so it was fun to read what I had written with a little bit more knowledge and situation. Revisiting this string of words feels important to me for reasons I will explain after:

And this is why I know you placed this text in our hands first. North is a point of ignition—of entering the Bakhtinian parlor and sitting down wondering, “what’s eating this guy?” then finding out why and most likely agreeing. This was not the best of anything, but it was raw and human and breathed passion for writing centers as well as passion for protecting them against un- or mis-informed audiences.

There are many more eloquently-written sentences or ideas, but something feels very raw--to reuse the word I used way back when. Considering things like points of ignition (or exigence), the never ending conversation as written by Bakhtin, understanding the feelings and attitudes of writing center people, passion, protection, audience and purpose (#surpriserhetoric)... all of these ideas or ponderings remain with me sixteen weeks later. These feel like ever-important discussions about writing center work: commitment to engagement in writing center scholarship, studies, and research; looking at our perceptions and feelings about all or any writing center thing; feeling impassioned and enthusiastic about the work itself at any level; protecting our writing center spaces, staff, and student/writer clientele; and the rhetorical awareness in consultations and of the writing center, very broadly. It feels funny but cool that in these few sentences I wrote so long ago are actually true to work that is done and relevant--who would have known?

But onto the suggested questions, because I like them. I have grown as a writing center consultant in comfortability more than anything. I still worry about how to best serve each and every student I encounter, but have not yet run into something I felt unprepared for or unable to help a student with or through. Also, becoming involved with a new community and the people that make it up helped me grow as a consultant, instructor, and (writing center) person. Familiarity does a lot, though, for consulting--making it through the first few weeks was my biggest battle thus far. Along lines of comfortable and familiar, so far nothing has surprised me too much. I know that writing is difficult and that students struggle with what how why do things. I knew once I understood how things work that I would likely be enthralled with a field filled with geeky weirdos like me.

As for future roles in the writing center, things feel a little up in the air. My position is set in stone as GSA and consultant, but I really want to ideally find a way to be someone people go to if they need or want help. I am uncertain if this is a good idea or not, considering there are things I still learn everyday, but want to really try to own the GSA role and whatever that is supposed to entail. Hmm.

Because I align so much with so much of what we have read so far, and because I am interested in pursuing my 503 and Madison and I’s WLN pieces further… there is clearly much more to pursue through research and continued exposure to writing centers. My goal is absolutely to continue writing center work in a PhD and beyond, but I am also interested in seeing what sorts of experiences and models I can take from writing centers into TEFL or TESOL work abroad. Writing centers are interested in a lot of the advocacy, equity, and general understanding to writers that I believed in when I decided to teach English. The few texts I have so far been exposed to enforce the ways I think we should treat people, students, writers, and so on. I am nothing but excited to continue reading and working through all of the lessons writing centers have to teach me.

In addition to ways of knowing and teaching, my writing has also been affected by this work. I still am and hopefully always will do better to understand grammar and the rhetorical choices that go into constructing sentences and texts. While I do definitely struggle to write if I think too much about what I am doing, how it is happening, and why my brain orders things automatically in the ways it does, the article for this class feels like it helped me break through a barrier of imposter syndrome. Throughout college I found ways to feel confident in making assertive expert-like moves and claims, but it is hard. There was something about skimming through WLN and how genuine everyone in the writing center is about welcoming newcomers and peer consultants that helped me put down my guard and try to own writing I know I don’t fully understand yet. I look forward to continuing this process of learning to write in new ways!

I think I broke code, too, by writing this before my manifesto and conference presentation. I hope this is okay… there are so many little things and I like to reflect throughout the process of doing involved work (you know, like writing a hefty seminar article, a will-be badass manifesto, and presenting at a cool conference within a few days). Also, my titles for everything have been amazing, so here is a GIF that I am fond of:

(Context: Mindy from The Mindy Project--which I binge-watched all of with a brief break in the middle due to immense frustration with a direction it too--thinks she is hilarious and punny and laughs at all of her own jokes. Rationale: Mindy is hilarious, as am I… so the proud of myself understated happy dance resonates with me)

P.S. I stole this journal title from another favorite show of mine, Bones. The Deschanel sisters really get to me.

Pre-Thanksgivingtime Ponderings

I am becoming slightly more comfortable with feeling too directive. I see how right now—in what feels like the season of BUSCOM [insert something here] letters—the demand calls for a certain kind of consulting. There seem to be very few ways to be questioning in nondirective ways when the text in between a writer and I is 200 words in strict format. I tried, with a BUSCOM proposal (instead of a letter, woot!) to ask some questions and the student just bluntly but kindly told me he didn’t need that work and that he wanted grammar edits before it was due in an hour. In that moment I realized that a consultant appropriately finds and offers what the writer needs, and may suggest more—but that suggestion or advice may not be taken.

It has been fun to continue consultations and muse over the ways that it is both familiar and foreign. Before it all started I was able to tell myself not to stress out because it was a little like teaching, in the beginning I felt very teacher in the directive nature of many consultations, and now I am just along for the ride. Especially considering our admin meeting conversations about the culture of the 303/503 course, I have always seen the need for such a place of discussion, encountering and contacting essential material, and problem solving what we do in the writing center… but now I am even more thankful of it. Consulting is a never-ending parade of new and different people and writers, situations, variables, and consultations—just like you have continued to tell us. Discovering this to be true myself has been fun and engaging. I see the ways I think about and teach writing evolving, and even though it is a little nerve-wracking to shake up something that has been so constant for me it is so necessary.

So my class and I had a Halloween party today and I regret none of it. I did some necessary lecturing and then we played a kahoot.it game while eating their fantastic baking and snacks. My costume for the party was a wizard trying to pass as a muggle and then I subbed for Skyler’s class in those odd clothes. By the time the morning teaching was over I was exhausted, went home, and fell asleep until right before the admin meeting—which was why I was several minutes late (sorry). But then I realized, sitting in that meeting today still groggy, that I couldn’t imagine being anywhere but there with that group of people trying to solve the world’s problems. I feel this way a lot when I get to sit down with all of the second year cohort and we are doing silly things—just a deep and grateful sense of finding the right place, people, and time.

Because the writing center is filled with all of the best people. I never feel uncomfortable asking questions or telling stories or just hanging out. On Thursday Ryenne and I were talking about discourse community analysis papers and I learned that she was the student of Madison’s that was friends with the student of mine who argued over which of us (Madison or I) to take for 102… but ultimately they couldn’t take it together because they refused to choose which of us was better. It was the funniest, cutest conversation and of course it’s one that happened because we both ended up at the writing center. I am just getting Thanksgiving-y before it’s allowed to be Thanksgiving time and really so thankful of and for all the people and events that brought me to Boise State.

I know that the work is hard, and that sexism sucks, and that we as women who plan to lead in some way have an uphill battle, but I cannot wait to learn as much as I can from my peers, the staff, you, and the writers. When everyone else was involved at the writing center I wanted to be involved so I could understand this allegiance to a place I had never entered before—I wanted to see why Madison ruled out any doctoral programs that didn’t have a great writing center. I am now beginning to understand why.

Connections for Dummies ©

The beginning of my journal for this week is brought to you by Nicole’s brain thinking about the multimodal unit and last weekend’s adventure into six out of the eight Harry Potter movies: “the most iconic reject of the century”.

I forgot that even though I type these in Word (just in case Blogger crashes) that eventually the journal exists in an online platform—and therefore warrants links and memes and fun things like that. So as I consider potential paper topics I found myself thinking about connections and meaning making while scrolling through Facebook, and found that video. I spiraled into a hole about Harry Potter quotes that could drive my discussion of paper topics and found this on BuzzFeed.

I mean, how can you deny, “words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic”? (Note: this was such a good quote I wanted to know where it came from and got different answers everywhere… so I am going to hope that lack of attribution in this space is okay) Words are magical to me, as they are a method of communication and connection, making meaning, and bringing people together (#whyiwrite).

—But anyway, to paper topics. As I was laughing at that video I was transported back to the parts of Harry Potter (and, arguably my life in general) that I found most moving, and at the heart of all of those things it is human connection. This—connection—is currently the “thread” for my portfolio, and I want to think about how this plays out in the writing center. As a space that is known, in whatever many capacities, to be “homey” and at the same time potentially nerve-wracking how do we forge connections in such a contentious place?

To think more about this I want to consider my consultation with Ryenne this past week. After looking at my schedule and seeing her I thought that she might have chosen me to work with me. This was confirmed in class and my heart was happy and my brain was nervous to live up to an expectation she seemed to have of me. The consultation was lovely and we did a lot of really great processing and expansion brainstorming. I know that we have a preexisting relationship as peers and consultants and all sorts of other things, but how could I potentially find a similar comfort with a random student? I am confident that this question has been asked since the emergence of writing centers, but I also know that no definitive answer has yet to be decided? (There is a lot of end-of-sentence inflection here)

And I find myself back at this goal I have of wanting to create a “how to create a cohort” manual-type thing for my portfolio. Because the second year rhet/comp cohort that dominates most of the WC GAships has been so successful and tight night I am curious to look into why or how that was possible. I wonder if a similar sort of work could be done in the writing center? Either for consultant-writer or mentor-mentee or GA-GA?

So now I leave you with all of these questions and looking forward to the 503 meeting time and our one-on-one meeting (if those don’t get rolled into one?) to discuss this more. Until then, this is me:

Feels-ings About All of the Things

This was a tough week. The eighth week felt like it would go smoothly for me, I am on top of my work, and feel fairly at home in consulting, and then I got sick. I am sorry for missing my Tuesday and Thursday shifts. I realized that there is still a lot I have to learn about the writing center, like getting coverage and typical procedure for sickness, etc. My cohort members are extremely helpful, but they also just do the things for me and I have to learn what to do too.

With that aside the shift on Wednesday that I completed had a no show and no one else scheduled with me, so I don’t actually have any consultations to reflect on for this week. I look forward to continuing to figure out how grammar and directive/nondirective consulting works, but the readings about multilingual students this week has been lovely. Again, the readings were filled with helpful strategies and skills for both multi and monolingual students. It was nice to read texts that reinforced the things I started to do last week, and also nice to not be surprised by the myths in “Working with ESL Writers.” I agree with and understand all of the readings.

I am still working on how all of this factors into the 503 readings and conversations. So far the writing center has been nothing but good to me, and the students of Boise State. I am familiar with the day-to-day welcoming students into the center to sit down and make appointments, but I know I am not familiar with the behind the scenes things. You gave me a glimpse into the politics of our own writing center, but as I consider Madison planning on working in them and me wanting to during PhDs too I know how much more there is left to learn. I want to know the things so I can maintain positive writing centers in the future, in whatever capacity I am allowed to.

Being sick always brings out the misery in me. I was sick so much of last semester and being sick now makes me fear that it is related or that I will just stay sick again. It reminds me of how humans don’t always have a grasp of what is “normal” for them until it isn’t anymore. Somehow I find these ramblings related to privilege and race and the positioning of student support networks. I think about my goals and the future and past, and the field in English and English in the university and the university in the world. Everything is so subjective; I do not know how to talk about these places I exist in without talking about position and privilege. Also somehow this feels related to writing centers and North saying how slighted writing centers are and then that 503 reading saying we actually are capable and doing okay. Where do we find truth in all of this? With students in consultations, with departmental tensions, with administrators? I think that last thing I wrote is an intentional fragment, but cold medicine makes me foggy.

What all of these words can boil down to is I don’t know how to think about the things I know—or think I know. In feeling what seems like injustice am I simply unaware of how much worse it could be? What use does comparing ourselves do but give us anxiety and misguided concern?

This week I feel feels I feel are confused… but confused doesn’t even seem like the right word. I am happy to work here and learn new things about administration and working with students, that must be made clear. I just also cannot stop thinking about how the things in life are or aren’t connected.

Consultations, Catching Up, and Charms (Alliteration Always)

This first week I was able to have four consultations! I am thankful to have gotten these because I definitely sense that each consultation helps ease anxiety and increase comfortability.

I was, however, surprised by how I handled the consultations… A majority of the literature we have been reading speaks to the nondirective approach. I felt as though I aligned well enough with this approach because I believe asking questions is oftentimes a more effective way of exploration and discovery for writing (as opposed to me spewing information at students). Each of the consultations I had were for final drafts and asked exclusively for polishing and grammar-type things. I also found that in each of these consultations I found myself slipping accidentally into a more directive teacher-esque role. During these interactions I was aware of how directive I was being, but didn’t know any other way to function within the final draft giving students what they asked for constraints. My hope is that with these restraints removed I find a better balance in between directive and nondirective, as well as lose the “teacher.”

Whether or not I shift without the constraints is something I do not yet know. I will likely agonize a little about all of this until I get a chance to try working drafts, but my concern is actually in what has already happened: how do I consult grammar without falling into the “tutor” or “teacher” role/power dynamic? I understand that when students ask for grammar help they expect those roles to develop, but I want students to question and learn and actually understand what we talk about. As you saw in my confused “what do I want and need” crisis with Skyler on Thursday, I panicked when consulting because my brain was all of a sudden caught up in the dynamics and factors:

1. Not wanting to be too directive.

2. Not wanting to be excessively nondirective.

3. Wanting to help the student understand.

4. Realizing I didn’t know how to identify the words or articulate the errors.

5. Panic all over again and feeling imposter syndrome towards the ability to consult with students because I can’t explain the things I innately know.

6. Not wanting to fail the student.

7. Thinking throughout all of this “how do I explain this?”

8. On and on in cyclical ways…

So I am interested in figuring out two things: how to consult with students about grammar in meaningful ways and specifically what else I need to know to help me help students with grammar-type things. I know from the outside that it seems like fixation on grammar but it comes from good places. I want to know for me and for students now and in the future. I want to improve my own grammar skills and writing. I am so insanely excited for you to look at our writing for that first formal writing (even though I am a little nervous because I know there is so much to improve on). There is so much I want to do in and with writing and rhetoric. The want to learn as much about grammar as possible is me wanting to take advantage of the wonderful people and great resources while I can so that instead of continuing to improve slowly and/or struggling on my own I learn a lot and take it with me to grow in better, more productive ways.

It all just feels so connected and I have gone so long not knowing so much. And I thought this week’s journal might be a little less about feels than the others but I was wrong—so many feels. I’ve been insecure for so long and now that I unveiled my hidden secrets I want to explore them…

In other non-school (but still reading-related, because what else do I do with my life?) activities I have a weekend long pass to the Harry Potter re-screenings at Edwards this upcoming weekend and I am so excited and have already begun planning outfits! Huzzah!