Tutor Tutoring a Tutor

I know that we are supposed to be writing about the readings more but my journey into the writing center is incontestably colored by this almost paralytic grammar concern of mine. In class today I was able to laugh at the oh-so-wonderful cat grammar memes, but when I was told to read page 158 in Rhetorical Grammar I felt like I was reading a foreign language. After making it through class, eating lunch, and finishing my second shift of the day I scheduled an appointment with Skyler. We had two 303-ers sit in on what Skyler and I called “tutors watching a tutor tutor a tutor.” We hoped you would like it. We also discussed a game plan for grammar Thursdays continued and will meet regularly once my shift ends to work through the ins and outs of sentences. I am hopeful yet again, but it is more real than last week’s post; I am incredibly grateful that I have friends and supports that are able and willing to teach me these invaluable skills. I will be a better tutor, teacher, reader, and writer by taking thirty minutes each week to break down sentences and learn Rhetorical Grammar in the ways it ought to be.

So far every chapter of Kolln has been extremely difficult for me. I spent today’s walk after class from the Education building back to the LA building explaining to Skyler that I am grateful for the challenge. For the first time in years I have been confronted by a text, not because it is troubling me in an ideological way, but because I read the words and have no context. Sentence upon sentence is filled with foreign words and all of a sudden I am able to empathize (if ever so slightly) with students that struggle reading [English] at all. I am struck by revisiting this feeling with new knowledge and skills, and am humbled by the inability to grasp a concept quickly. This will quite possibly be one of the most difficult series of lessons I encounter in graduate school and I welcome it, knowing that I can handle it and have wonderful mentors.

But the record must show: I don’t mean to sound dramatic in all of this. Explicit, intentional grammar knowledge is something I never thought I would obtain. It is the apex of my imposter syndrome feelings as a future teacher of any thing English. In thirty minutes I made it through one sentence of identifying parts of the sentence and still, hours later, find it hard to write without thinking about my natural sentence construction. Why are my sentences so long? Why do I construct them the way that I do? How did I get here? When Skyler asked what sentence I would like to choose—either random or from my own writing—he chose for me and said he was familiar with my writing and my typical sentences would be too “complex.” Am I unnecessarily wandering? Do I pack too much into a sentence? Does my writing style even work for people? And now another layer of my experience with Rhetorical Grammar is born: a smile and slow nod of understanding why we were assigned the book.

As my last post mentioned, in college I was finally called out for writing in one particular way. I knew I wrote in one way… but I wouldn’t have been able to explain it. Last year Ali told me that my sentences needed to be more varied for a seminar paper and I agreed but didn’t know how to accomplish what felt like an immense feat. It is an immense feat, but now I am beginning to gain some sense for how and why. Now that I understand how a sentence can vary, be changed, or tell stories (maybe?) about their authors I can begin to help students, too. I feel empowered and intimidated by this awareness of sentence structure.

I am self-conscious of everything I write in a way I haven’t been, also, in quite a long time. I question what my fingers and brain naturally want to do and yet again I am empathizing with students who feel this way constantly. Through reading Kolln I have become opened to new feelings and ways of thinking and doing and will likely continue to write about this process throughout the semester.

As a nod to the writing process readings from Tuesday, I was thankful for yet more practical strategies for writing center work and teaching. Thinking about our own work was a great way to ground the theory and consider how to transfer consideration of process into consultations. Between these conversations about process and the re-opening of my own writerly identity I am feeling more and more prepared to work in the writing center.

Thank you for creating such a great space filled with amazing people. I also hope me posting a few days early doesn’t mess up your reading and responding process… I just wanted to write while the confusion and feels were still raw.

P.S. I kept trying to decode my sentences while writing this entire journal like we have been reading about and the way Skyler is helping and it was painful. Mental note to myself is to try to hold back this live-time hyperawareness and save it for revision? My brain hurts and my feels feel.

P.P.S. the Broadway Bridge is apparently opening tomorrow (I’ll believe it when I see it)! I don’t know if that changes any aspect of your typical driving but it is very exciting to me living within audible distance from the construction.

P.P.P.S. I wrote 900 words again and I AM SO SORRY.